much time passes.... [06 Mar 2003|07:13pm] much time passes from that day to the next. archival is more of an archive of old stuff rather than a list of newness. the newness is in other places, a lot of things have changed since then. this is merely the archive of old things, a lot more is still to come... 3 comments|post comment

[05 Sep 2002|07:17pm] work, work, work. all work and no play means...i'm not sure. just that i'm not very stable or cohesive or anything at the moment. for some reason i wait for people to e-mail me, even though i don't think they will ever reply. they don't tend to. whether it's emailing someone i haven't seen for ages or someone who lives across the road, no-one tends to reply. nice! saw programme last night about a homeless drug addict who sleeps on Bethnal Green. it was a little shocking, he walked down the road i live on. didn't see my flat though. strange. post comment

[29 Aug 2002|07:17pm] i'm floating in a big pool of insincerity and stuff. i'm not ever sure what i'm writing. what's wrong with me? who knows. i've even been seeing things recently. sporadically doing nothing. working, getting my mind taken away from me by myself, and seeing people that aren't there seems to have been added to my talents. it sounds strange, yes? i don't know what's going on. just lots of things are making me spin and seethe and think things. and be fragile. it's slightly scary. i was wandering and wondering why i haven't fatally walked into a lamppost just yet. i think something so stupid and light like that would happen to me and would spell and end of all this confusion. i just need a deft blow to the head. post comment

[16 Aug 2002|07:08pm] [ music | cheap trick - surrender ] whee, it's been ages since i listened to cheap trick. just how good are they? well i imagine that people aren't going to know how good they are until they hear them. I've played this song before at the second open-mic night thing. It's just so twinkly and nice and stuff and they're talking about nasty stuff. Urgh. but it's still a good song, oh yeah. I just found that if you sing the highest note in Stop This Game quite loud, my mouse resonates. i know it's not that much fun but...stupid things please stupid people! well i've moved into a little paradise to call home opposite college, which is good. but it's in the heart of east-end gangland, so it's not that great. but there are locks and the door and stuff, just to make sure no-one can get in and arrest me with a banana. well, technically they could get in, and pick up a banana from the kitchen and arrest me, but i'm not sure they'll think of that. they'll want their bananas loaded before they try to break in. you never know, they may even use the bananas as a ramming device to open the door in the first place. bananas are useful. there's sometimes nothing better to kick back and listen to some cheap trick. but bus and tube surfing are sometimes a little more fun than trying to get a high-pitched "ooooooh" in there some times. It might also be fun to do that on the bus or the tube, but you'd more likely be looked at and branded a weirdo. Not that i'm not anyway. Listening to the wildhearts at elephant-ear-deafening-volume is definitely the best thing i did since eating that sliced bread the other day. When i introduced cheap trick to some of my friends they were a bit...put off. it seemed like too much of an 80's pop/rock combo and it was just too damn cheaptrickalicious for them. they just couldn't handle it. sometimes it's just too good to say no to destiny's child. they may be awful, but i'm too billy-licious for you. can you handle my mullett? the great thing from here is that i'm typing on the pooter and i've got a view of london in front of me. being on the 5th floor helps that i think. lots of big towers and cranes and important type people buildings. i'm working as a scanner type person again. scan paper in, write a cd, scan paper in, write a cd. not exactly the most interesting thing to do, but at least i'm not on the streets. the only annoying thing with using windows xp is that i can't listen to the radio or watch the tv on it. not sure why. i've got the newest drivers installed, and the newest program releases but they just don't want to work. it's a bit poo really. the radio is good. the only other radio type noise i can hear is from an alarm clock radio thing. which is ok, but i only know how to make it come on for an hour. so i sit down and listen to it for a bit, then after a while i'm convinced that the plug has got pulled on their show, or a power cut has happened or something. i just forget that it only plays stuff for an hour! stupid me. there's something endearing about asda... post comment

[02 May 2002|07:16pm] it's been ages since anything much has happened. although, we went to see the Wildhearts on monday night, and it was just fabulous! the best things about it had to be everyone singing along to the songs...and the band coming back onstage to play along with everyone. that was great. Danny (bass) chucked up, Stidi (drummer) was kinda...raucous and mad, and CJ (guitar) was just...well....good. Ginger was great though - he had a McLaren formula 1 shirt on. it was just..yay! what a din. still doing ridiculous things with my revision, i can't do it very well and i'm generally and definitely poo at it. oh well. exams are coming soon - scary. a week less one day. 6 days. thats not long. help!!!!! in this time before the 1st june, we need to find a place to live, get some money together, buy things for the house, and just...revise and do 6 exams. or 7 if you're d. there's a lot to do, and i have a lot on my mind. i can't afford to eat properly really. i hope things will be better.... post comment

[26 Apr 2002|07:08pm] meh. too much work to do. piles. meh. post comment

[24 Apr 2002|07:07pm] a whole month of exams to look forward to. i'm the lucky one, i only have six, but they are still needed to be dragged out for a whole month. i'm eating toothpaste. i have no idea why. i've been wishing to sit in the sun and be warmed by its rays, but i feel it's too hot. too hot for inside as well though. it's only april, why is it so hot? i've got the summer headache too. too much light and no sunglasses so lots of squinting. a poster fell down today and brought some new light to the muddy brown that resides on these walls. why on earth would someone want their room to be a poo brown colour? it's awful. and the bedcovers clash with the brown too, but thats not a worry at the moment. what is a worry is that i need to do ten times the work i have done. in about 100 times less the time i had when i should have started. oh well. perhaps i'll do even better than last year at the exams. at least i'm not stuck in bed this time. an ice cream van has just pulled up outside. when it's stopped making twinkly noises i'm off to do some more work. or non-work. all the work i've done so far is working out what i'm meant to be working on. why am i so nondescriptly boring? post comment

[23 Apr 2002|11:32am] a whole month of exams to look forward to. i'm the lucky one, i only have six, but they are still needed to be dragged out for a whole month. i'm eating toothpaste. i have no idea why. i've been wishing to sit in the sun and be warmed by its rays, but i feel it's too hot. too hot for inside as well though. it's only april, why is it so hot? i've got the summer headache too. too much light and no sunglasses so lots of squinting. a poster fell down today and brought some new light to the muddy brown that resides on these walls. why on earth would someone want their room to be a poo brown colour? it's awful. and the bedcovers clash with the brown too, but thats not a worry at the moment. what is a worry is that i need to do ten times the work i have done. in about 100 times less the time i had when i should have started. oh well. perhaps i'll do even better than last year at the exams. at least i'm not stuck in bed this time. an ice cream van has just pulled up outside. when it's stopped making twinkly noises i'm off to do some more work. or non-work. all the work i've done so far is working out what i'm meant to be working on. why am i so nondescriptly boring? post comment

[24 Mar 2002|06:03pm] ah, lazy sunday morning. i've been away for a while, i've tried but each time something has kept me - hopefullly now i have something to write about. but alas, it is all the same. a mixture of work, sleep, eating and getting from one place to another. i haven't been to the pub in about a month (yes, i know thats a bit of a miracle, but...!) university is a place for work, and i'm only coming to realise this now! i know that does sound silly but in my first year i realised that i could get away with just about anything and pass...which i did, i guess. it's just this year i think i want to do better. i've been thinking for much time about changing down from the master of physics course to just doing a plain old BSc. it's a degree at least, and it means me spending three years instead of four, in the university studying. i've also had enough of living here. it just so happens that whenever i am trying to do work, someone put music on, or invites friends round and makes a huge noise. and generally it's pretty loud and you can't not hear it! living here just makes me paranoid that the other people are doing things just to spite me. i think i know they're not, but even so, i'm worried. i guess it's what you have to put up with sometimes. i have radiohead on quietly. something i can actually work to. ah, that's right, open your doors, why don't you. it's not like i actually want to do any work at all. because i obviously don't. oh dear. radiohead, water and air. i feel like i need to be purified from all this noise and angst. this is why i like the countryside so much. i long to go back there, i'm not a city girl. where i hear of aimee talking about the parks and walks in oxford, and her pictures of lush green, i only wish i could go there. i want a week or two to go away from people playing music in my ears, i want to make my own music to listen to, where i dictate what i can hear, rather than other people doing so. i'm sick and tired also of people deciding they want to listen to a cd when they're in the downstairs bathroom and the cd is in their room. in this case, what always happens is that the cd player gets turned up to a ridiculous volume so it's allowed to be heard downstairs. this is, i imagine, because it's such a better quality of sound if it comes from an expensive stereo. well, there's also a cd player in the kitchen, that was put there for exactly that purpose, if you want to listen to a cd downstairs, then you can. is the quality of sound going to be so different? the noise upstairs is going through several walls and travelling quite a long way. is it also fair to demand that others open the door for you when you have your own keys? certainly not. no-one would expect that of anyone else so why is it expected of us? i'm not a slave to someone else's petty, beaurocratical ways. i don't ever want to be. i'm sorry i'm not like you. you try to incite people against each other for the thrill of the argument. although for me, this argument doesn't contain any excitement. it's not a case of who's wrong and who's right, as it is always taken to be, with yourself indefinitely being the latter. it's more of a conflict of interest. do you think everyone should bow under your feet? do you like the feeling of power when you make them? do you like the way you have a capacity to be able to crush a single human being with one word? such questions can only be asked by yourself to yourself. and the answer is definitely a yes. how could it not be? any self-respecting, destructive, unstable, selfish human being would answer yes to that. down with the beaurocrats!! post comment

[18 Mar 2002|06:05pm] it hasn't been too bad a term, but this term always seems to make me either entirely stressed, unable to relax or cope with things, or just remedially bored with everything, and annoyed. I'm not quite sure what category I fall into, but i'm quite annoyed and bored and everything at the moment really! i'm doing a load of html stuff...it's pretty weird really. post comment

[14 Mar 2002|06:05pm] it's so cold. i can't type any more, my hands hurt too much. owch. post comment

[12 Mar 2002|07:07pm] life is just being quite poo at the moment. and boring. mainly poo. i'm holed up here trying to do some work but i can't. too much noise. and discomfort. and too much work to do to be able to concentrate on anything. i'm just being poo. plerr. post comment

[07 Mar 2002|07:06pm] what's been happening today? i'm not sure. it's all been mixed up so much recently, that i don't really know what's going on any more. very weirdy. just off to get lunch at uni. lots of lectures, lots of work, lots of weird stuff going on as normal. too tired and stuff to say anything much. just very busy! meh. post comment

[05 Mar 2002|07:05pm] c++ programming again. and again. and again. its just a bit poo really. it's helpful slightly to be in the lectures, i need to sign in and listen to random drivel for a long time. nasty really. its only been on for an hour. the time is dragging like something with a lot of friction. very silly. post comment

[02 Mar 2002|06:07pm] oh meh! there's so much stress here i'm just all stressed. it's all pooey. meh. i'm trying to find out when the Wildhearts are touring here...but i don't think they're going to play a London date which would mean hiking all the way up to Liverpool with Dickie to see Alick and to see them. it's all a bit meh! however we're off to see A, Iron Maiden and The Supernaturals as well in March...and then Wildhearts in April. I will see them, i know i will! maybe...just not in London! it is scabby. scabby place, many scabby people. post comment

[28 Feb 2002|06:06pm] Everything seems to be going around in circles today. i've not been feeling well recently, i just feel like i'm not on this earth at all at the moment. i'm not sure where i am, it's just nowhere near here. i'm still trying to find the meanings to things i'm not sure if i can ever find the meanings of. like happiness. and life. it's all a bit empty, people are shallow and hollow and uncaring, they seem to change their likes and dislikes every five seconds, and i still feel like i'm not belonging here at the moment. i'm not sure where i should be if it wasn't to be here, just somewhere else. i don't exactly get a lot of time to myself, most of it is spent with people in lectures or people doing work, or just general people. i don't have the time to be lonely any more. but something, somewhere inside of me still tells me that i should be. that i'm damned to an eternal life of loneliness. some things are really disconcerting and worrying, like work and life and jobs and everything really. there seems to be no respite. maybe i'm living in some kind of false world - i think i probably am. but then how do i know, if all around i see is false? am i false too? I had grapefruit for breakfast this morning. someone is laughing evilly over my shoulder. and i don't know them. it seems to have stopped now. paranoia; isn't it great? post comment

[13 Feb 2002|06:07pm] it's valentine's day tomorrow. i know i will spend a happy hour or twenty-four, staying with my one, but do you have yours? many people don't. one of my housemates just split up with his girlfriend at her birthday ceremony. i can't say i was there, but it must have been a little weird. i feel myself reflecting on the other times i've had to endure the heartache of "the big V" and wondering whether there really is a point to all of the hopes and promises. i've been hurt and spurned and hated and mistreated before, and maybe i can feel a small tinge of regret in the clouds of happiness that surround tomorrow. i also thought that maybe there is no point to a day where you show someone how much you love them. my approach is to unconditionally love at all times. so even valentines' day does not show an increase or decrease in my feelings or my actions. for those who will, and are loved, make the most of your time. for those who won't and are loved, take pride as you are loved. for those who won't and don't think they are loved...you are. i've just wrapped d's presents...it's valentines' and christmas for us tomorrow, as we haven't exchanged gifts for that yet. or cards, i need to write the card too. he's downstairs, cooking jeera potatoes to be served with rice and an onion salad. i'm a student, i really don't have any money, and all the food i buy is either on special offer or BOGOF (buy one get one free), or a supermarket "value" brand. it sounds perhaps...fancy, but with a little spices or additives which are cheap, anything can be made to taste lovely. living in an indian area and liking indian foods helps on the cost side of things though! everything is so cheap! i'd also like to take the opportunity to welcome musing to my xanga...and myself really. i have read her blogs for a while now...under her many guises, and i'm very appreciative that anyone with such a talent for writing might have an interest in little old me...infrequent though my blogs might be, i do need to vent things from time to time (generally whenever i can get the time now!) and this is a good way to conduct such an act. i'm getting flouncy now! i need to go and eat and be happy. and seal this card up! happy valentine's day to all. post comment

[07 Feb 2002|07:04pm] i'm so tired. last night we went to the pub and had a good conversation about stuff. today is khaldoun's birthday. tomorrow is d's birthday, he's going to be 21. it sounds kinda old. he's worried about being old and stuff. he's just getting out of a lecture now, and will probably tap me on the back in a few seconds if i'm not mistaken. i feel sick. we went to have a greasy breakfast this morning in the uni bar and i had too much grease. i'm meant to be taking d out for a birthday dinner tonite but i feel poo. today is poo. this week has just been a load of poobag things happening and i need to get some shopping for d and wrap his presents up. there's too much stuff to get done, and i'm bored of it all. plerr. post comment

[29 Jan 2002|08:03pm] oh dear. mcps is over thank goodness, and i'm waiting for d so we can go back to the library and he can do some work and i can do some work. there's just too much work to be done! at least it's over for another week. but there's so much stuff i have to do that i have to remind myself that i need to take a break sometimes. plerr. i hate feeling snowed under with work; and the work never seems to stop getting piled on my head. if it's not one thing, it's another. and there's loads to do all the time. i'm trying not to put things off to the last minute, but it's getting to be kinda like that. i can't do all the work at once, i have to spread it out so that i understand most of it. it's just silly really. when i'm at uni i want to go home and go to sleep, when i'm at home and asleep i'm guilty i'm not doing any work. life in the house doesn't make things any easier, it's just a whole load of poo and unhappiness. i feel like everyone hates me even though i think they might not. anyway i need to go for some enlightenment...or something. i need to leave! now!!! post comment

[29 Jan 2002|07:02pm] well, i'm still here. there appears to be some kind of break going on at the moment, we are all dossing arounf just surfing or making waves or whatever. there doesn't seem to be much point to this. are people really this slow? we were left to do work for a while but i finished it when i thought other people would. i'm not that clever. how come i'm faster than the others though? i'm still feeling a little poo. oh well. i'm testing out my site on the college network, on netscape, and the connection is being a bit silly. it's just a little weird! i'm hopefully going to be able to use some kinda other updatey thing, at the moment i'm typing raw HTML into the code. i wanna do a course that does perl and stuffies. also, my scripty things aren't working. it uses the stylesheet thing but it doesn't like using anything else!! oh well. i'm going back to c++ programming...a little tedious! post comment

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